Home Sweet Home/Transcript
To do: *''missing quotes when passing the claptrap shop'' (Accept mission) Moxxi: I stashed some loot away for a special occasion -- guess this qualifies. Help yourselves. (Loot and return to Jack) Jack: Alright, here we go, everybody. The jamming signal's down, we've got a robot army, and it's time to get back to Helios and turn off that death-laser. Lilith: Roland and I will head up with you guys and provide support. Moxxi: And I'll be cheerin' you on from the cozy confines of this cantina. Jack: I dunno how hairy things have gotten up there, so... be prepared for anything. Jack: Let's go. We'll fast travel up there first. You follow behind. Roland: If we don't shut that laser down soon, we can kiss this whole moon goodbye! Lilith: See ya on the other side, kiddo. Roland: What she said. Jack: Let's be heroes. (Travel to Hyperion Hub of Heroism) Roland: Where is everybody? Lilith: Crap. I think we're on the other side of Helios. Jack: Crap. Looks like the fast travel split us all up. Doesn't change the plan, though: get to the Eye of Helios command center, shut the laser down WITHOUT damaging it, save the moon, and be hailed as a hero forever. Sound good? Course it does. (Enter Central Terminal) Tassiter: John? W-what the hell are you doing?! I fired you! Jack: And you'll be thanking me once Helios is back in Hyperion hands. Tassiter: And what have you done to the station? The color scheme is all-- Jack: --Yeah, red and black were a little grim. Yellow POPS better, don't you think? Anyway, can't fire me, sucka, you already did! Later! Jack: Well, station still seems more or less in one piece. How about you? You holdin' up? *'Athena (if present):' Don't understand the question. Heading to objective now. *'Wilhelm (if present):' I felt bad for that AI we erased. Or I'm just jealous she got a cool robot body -- I dunno. *'Nisha (if present):' Killin' that AI chick was pretty fun, so -- yeah. Feelin' good. thanks for askin'. *'Claptrap (if present):' Ohhhh, just having an existential crisis about what we did to Felicity. If our personalities can be deleted at the drop of a hat, then what makes us, us? That kind of thing! *'Jack2 (if present):' Yeah -- uh, feeling kinda bad about Felicity. I mean, not THAT bad. But, I dunno, yeah, kinda bad. *'Aurelia (if present):' Oh, just trying to forget about Felicity and focus on enjoying my vacation. Jack: Alright, cool. I'll meet up with you later, we can talk some more then. (Pass claptrap shop) *'Athena (if present):' A Claptrap shop? *'Wilhelm (if present):' That a claptrap shop? *'Nisha (if present):' Is that a Claptrap shop? *'Claptrap (if present):' Woah, is that a claptrap shop? *'Jack2 (if present): '''A claptrap shop? *'Aurelia (if present):' A shop full of claptraps? So, hell's lowest tier, then. '''Jack:' Yeah, the damn things break down so much we had to set up a little claptrap creation station. Lost Legion shut it down, but there's probably one or two claps still kicking around in there. (Approach access tunnels) Zarpedon: Jamming signal or no, this station is MINE, Vault Hunter. Jack: Gaah -- she's locked the path! We can't get to the Eye of Helios! But we shut down the jamming signal, I don't -- alright, whatever, just get back to my office. Maybe we can lower the defenses from there. Zarpedon: They've breached Helios -- intensify firepower! Jack: Oh, hell -- she's focusing the laser! (Approach door to office) Hyperion: Authorization required. Please step into the scanner. Hyperion: Please press the button to activate the scanner. (Press scanner button) Hyperion: Unknown user detected. Authorization denied. Jack: Rrrgh -- maybe you can get a CL4P-TP to authorize you. There should be one nearby. *'Jack (to human):' And, uh -- sorry in advance. *'Jack (to Claptrap):' Don't bother trying to open it yourself, Fragtrap. I wiped your door-opening functions when I filled your hard drive with weapons training and stair-climbing protocols. *'Claptrap (if present):' WHAT HAVE I BECOOOOOOOOOME?! (Open container) CL4P-TP: Hello! I am a CL4P-- *'Athena (if present):' --I need to get into Jack's office. *'Wilhelm (if present):' --The door to Jack's office is locked and I need in. *'Nisha (if present):' --Yeah, great. Need you to unlock Jack's office. *'Claptrap (if present):' --Don't rub it in! I need you... (sigh) ... to open the door to Jack's office. *'Jack2 (if present):' Stop talking. I just need a door opened. *'Aurelia (if present):' Please take me to Jack's office with the absolute minimum of speaking. CL4P-TP: Okay! I shall lead the way! *'Claptrap (if present):' You have no idea how lucky you are. Rolling around on your non-stair-climbing wheel, opening doors like it's no big deal. You have no idea how good you've got it. You disgust me. CL4P-TP: Is that the door? I'll have it open in no time! CL4P-TP: Hmm, the door's locked! I can easily override it at a panel nearby! *'Claptrap (if present):' Oh my GOD I hate that guy so much! CL4P-TP: Aaaaand, open! *'Athena (if present):' That wasn't the door I needed open! *'Wilhelm (if present):' That ain't the door, you bucket of dumb! *'Nisha (if present):' Wrong door, dumbass. *'Claptrap (if present):' That wasn't the right door! You call yourself a claptrap?! *'Jack2 (if present):' Wrong door, moron! *'Aurelia (if present):' Wrong door, you inebriate! CL4P-TP: Oh, ginger snaps! Guess I'll have to start over! *'Athena (if present):' You're kidding me. *'Wilhelm (if present):' You're pissing me off, clap! *'Nisha (if present):' Oh COME ON. *'Claptrap (if present):' YOU ARE A DISAPPOINTMENT TO THE FAMILY! *'Jack2 (if present):' GOD, YOU'RE SUPER STUPID! *'Aurelia (if present):' This is why you NEVER use robot help! Hyperion: HVAC system overloaded. CL4P-TP: Oh look! It's -- it's snowing! *'Athena (if present):' I don't care. *'Wilhelm (if present):' SO THE HELL WHAT?! *'Nisha (if present):' NOBODY CARES! Keep working. *'Claptrap (if present):' I HATE SNOW! HURRY THE HELL UP! *'Jack2 (if present):' JUST STOP SCREWING AROUND, YOU IDIOT! *'Aurelia (if present):' Darling, my patience is expiring at a CATACLYSMIC rate! Hyperion: Warning: wind speeds exceeding nominal values. CL4P-TP: Looks like I created a snow tornado! Hooray! CL4P-TP: I may screw up from time to time, but I love myself and that's what really matters! *'Athena (if present):' NO IT IS NOT! *'Wilhelm (if present):' NO IT AIN'T! *'Nisha (if present):' NO IT ISN'T! *'Claptrap (if present):' NO! IT ISN'T! *'Jack2 (if present):' OF COURSE IT ISN'T! *'Aurelia (if present):' It ABSOLUTELY is NOT! (Kill all hostiles) Hyperion: HVAC system equalized. CL4P-TP: Awwww! CL4P-TP: I'm moving to another fuse box! Follow me! *'Athena (if present):' Uh-huh. Sure. *'Wilhelm (if present):' Shut up and hurry! *'Nisha (if present):' Yeah, I'm sure this'll work out great. *'Claptrap (if present):' STOP TALKING AND GET IT DONE! *'Jack2 (if present):' I'm so sick of you. *'Aurelia (if present):' I grow TIRED of this! CL4P-TP: I think I got it! Somebody use the scanner, please! (Press scanner button) Hyperion: Access denied. Scans reveal subject is a cat wearing a birthday cap. Birthday Cat: Meow. Birthday Cat. I like to party. (note: these appear in random order) CL4P-TP: Whoopsie-daisy! I may have messed up the scanner. Give me a little bit more time! Birthday Cat: Yo. Birthday Cat. What's up? Birthday Cat: Meow. Where's the party? Birthday Cat: Hey everybody. Let's get meow. I mean... down. Birthday Cat: Alright, so, my thought on this is: ... Meow. Birthday Cat: Meow. Birthday Cat: Meow. This sin't even my hat. Birthday Cat: Meow. I'm 37. Birthday Cat: This party is going to be purr-fect. Meow. Birthday Cat: Meow. My girlfriend's name is Tanna. (Kill all hostiles) CL4P-TP: Alright, activate the scanner! I've probably got it right this time! (Press scanner button) Hyperion: Access denied. Scans reveal subject is a racist hot dog. Racist Hot Dog: I DON'T LIKE THESE TRUXICANS LOOKIN' AT OUR HAMSTERS! (note: these appear in random order) CL4P-TP: Darn! I was sure the racist hot dog workaround would do it! Oh well -- time to try again! Racist Hot Dog: GO BACK TO THE LIBRARY, YA BOOK-READIN' TRUXICAN! Racist Hot Dog: WHOOOO-EE! I'M FULLA HATE! Racist Hot Dog: GET OFF MY LAWN YOU MOSS-PUNCHIN' TRUXICANS! Racist Hot Dog: TRUXICANS'RE RUININ' THIS COUNTRY! Racist Hot Dog: WELL I SAY WE DEPORT ALL OF 'EM! ALLLLL OF 'EM! IT'S MY RIGHT! Racist Hot Dog: THESE GOD-DAMN TRUXICANS THINK THEY CAN DANCE BETTER THAN ME?! Racist Hot Dog: WHAT'RE YOU LOOKIN' AT MUSTARD-SNIFFER? Racist Hot Dog: I'M RACIST! (Kill all hostiles) Hyperion: Door interface unlocked. Please integrate with terminal to open door. (True Vault Hunter Mode) Tiny Tina: Ooh, does the racist hot dog come back? Athena: No. Tiny Tina: WORST STORY EVER! (End True Vault Hunter Mode) CL4P-TP: Oh gee, I dunno about that. Integration can be kind of dangerous-- *'Athena (if present):' --DO IT OR I'LL KILL YOU. *'Wilhelm (if present):' --DO IT OR I'LL KILL YOU. *'Nisha (if present):' --DO IT OR I'LL KILL YOU. *'Claptrap (if present):' --DO IT OR I'LL KILL YOU. *'Jack2 (if present):' DO IT OR I'LL KILL YOU. *'Aurelia (if present):' DO IT OR I'LL HAVE YOU DISMANTLED AND-- CL4P-TP: O-kay! Hyperion: Integration commencing. CL4P-TP: Hghghghhghghghghghgghghghg! Hyperion: User authorized. Have a nice day. CL4P-TP: I'm... dying! I'm dying! *'Athena (if present):' Noted. *'Wilhelm (if present):' Ugh... poor robot. *'Nisha (if present):' Cool. Nobody cares. *'Claptrap (if present):' You disgraced the CL4P-TP name. And so I say to you: good day. *'Jack2 (if present):' Awesome. *'Aurelia (if present):' Well, karma does exist. Look at that. (True Vault Hunter Mode) Tiny Tina: This is my favorite part of the story so far. (End True Vault Hunter Mode) (Enter Jack's Office) Jack: Ah, you made it into the office? Great. Uh, do me a favor and turn on that fast travel in there, wouldya? (Activate Fast Travel) Jack: For now, I need you to take that claptrap you found and plug him into the security terminal. He can lower the defenses leading to the Eye of Helios laser. *'Athena (if present):' The claptrap died. *'Wilhelm (if present):' That dumbass died. *'Nisha (if present):' Uh, that claptrap kicked the bucket. *'Claptrap (if present):' That inferior claptrap died when the going got rough. *'Jack2 (if present):' The claptrap died, sir. Me. I mean... whatever. Dead, sir. *'Aurelia (if present):' The claptrap is no more, I'm not at all sad to say. Jack: Are you KIDDING me?! I swear to god, if I ever become CEO I am going to destroy every last one of those friggin' things. *'Athena (if present):' Good. *'Wilhelm (if present):' Damn right. *'Nisha (if present):' Kickass. *'Claptrap (if present):' I'd disagree, but honestly, that guy was the worst, soooo... *'Jack2 (if present):' Great. *'Aurelia (if present):' Lovely! Jack: Now we can't lower the Helios defenses. Uhhhh... lemme think, lemme think, lemme think... Gladstone: Jack?! My team is pinned down in R&D -- we're bloody surrounded! Jack: Sorry, Gladstone, but I... Jack: ... just had an idea. Vault Hunters, get to R&D and rescue Gladstone's team. They can hack those defenses for us and open the way to the Eye. Jack: God, I'm smart. (In Hyperion Hub of Heroism, on way to R&D) Jack: Hey, here's a thought, Zarpederp -- why don't you just NOT destroy the moon and kill hundreds of innocent people? Zarpedon: Hundreds now to save millions later. And my name is Zarpedon. Tungsteena Zarpedon. Jack: Paaahahahahah! Tungsteena Zarpedon -- you must have been SUPER popular in high school! My GOD, your parents were assholes! (Enter Research and Development) Gladstone: Oh, glad you made it! Come find me, but be careful -- the torks broke outta their cages. (Enter Indigenous Species Research) Gladstone: Kill those torks so we can talk! Jack: Now that I think about it, I do remember Gladstone. He helped set up R&D on his own -- hired the team all by himself, made a lot of pretty cool stuff. He's a decent enough guy. Gladstone: Never be safe so long as that laser's still firing. (Kill torks, approach Gladstone) Gladstone: I think I can get you to the Eye of Helios. But I need some help. (Turn in) Gladstone: Sorry I messed up. I shouldn't have let myself get trapped in here. Category:Transcripts